Kelley Irwin

#one day I understood that honoring the personal history and daily habits of a person with dementia can bring pleasure to both of you.

My dear Dad was a person who got things done. He never met a challenge he was afraid to tackle. He would turn it over in his mind, come up with options, try the approach that seemed best and adjust if required. I never heard him say something couldn’t be done.

When a loved one with dementia needs a major task done, it can feel like just doing it for them instead of with them is saving them the worry. And yet, it can send a message they aren’t needed or valued.

I found myself moving big, heavy furniture one day – a sofabed / couch and the largest wooden desk a home office has ever seen. Mom wanted these out of the office so we could create a sitting room for Dad and her by the front window to enjoy the view.

It took a lot of effort and many changes of the angle, and I managed to get the couch out by removing the feet.

No matter what I tried with the desk, there was no angle that was even slightly smaller than the door opening. Dad became curious and asked if he could help.

Me: I’m not sure Dad. The desk won’t fit through and I don’t know what to do.
Dad: Should we take the door off?
Me: I guess that could help. But I don’t know how.
Dad: (not sure of the words, starts motioning to the hinges) Take those out and lift it.
Me: Okay. (Never having taken a door off, I am not really sure what to do.)
Dad: (leaves and comes back) Try this. (Hands me a hammer and a screwdriver)
Me: Thanks. (I manage to get the pins started, but am unable to get them out.)
Dad: You’re doing a good job.
Me: Thanks. But I think I am stuck. It’s like I need something to stick in the bottom.
Dad: (leaves and comes back) Is this what you need? (Hands me a hammer with a small end that I have never seen.)
Me: (push it into the pin and whack it-the pin pops up enough for me to get it) Dad, that worked!
Dad: We’re a good team. I got that hammer from my Dad.
Me: Which pin do we do last?
Dad: Leave the middle one for last or the door might drop on your foot.

Off he went to tell my Mom we successfully removed the door.

I learned along the way with Dad.

I didn’t understand at first to leave room for him to be part of the team. How could I?

(photo of me and desk in the garage)