Kelley Irwin

#one day I understood that telling someone with dementia their hallucination was not true could cause more distress than comfort. Letting them control the path of the conversation could actually provide the kindness they are looking for.

When a loved one with dementia has hallucinations, it can feel like telling them it isn’t happening is the way to bring them back to reality. This can actually make them feel you are not understanding and they need to find the way to convince you.

My Dad would often tell me about something that had happened to him before I arrived. At first, I would tell him it wasn’t true. And often I would add why it couldn’t be true. He would then double down to convince me and we would both feel unhappy with the result.

I tried a new approach. Listen and ask questions so he can tell me what’s on his mind.

Dad: I saw a bunny today.
Me: Where was it?
Dad: He was hopping around the room and then he hid in the corner behind my bed.
Me: What did he look like?
Dad: He was very small, maybe a baby. And he was cute.
Me: (standing up and looking) I don’t see him now. I wonder where he went.
Dad: I guess he went to visit someone else.
Me: Maybe. Why do you think he was visiting?
Dad: I think he was just showing off. 😊

After that, he was done talking about the bunny and he switched the conversation to a new topic.

I learned along the way with Dad.

I didn’t understand at first what to say. How could I?

(photo of me, Mom, and Dad at the botanical gardens)