Kelley Irwin

#one day I understood that telling someone with dementia not to worry may not be helpful. Talking through the worry and providing facts to ease the concern could be the better approach.

When a loved one has dementia and becomes fixated on a topic, it can feel like telling them you have it covered is the way to be kind. If the topic is something they have “been in charge of” all their life, they may feel you are not understanding the impact.

My Dad became fixated on “the bills”. Did we pay them? Do we have enough money? I would tell him it was fine. They were paid. He didn’t need to worry. While he would seem to let the topic drop, a few minutes later he would start again.

I tried a new approach.

Dad: Did we pay the bills? Who do we owe?
Me: I checked Dad. You did pay the bills.
Dad: I’m not sure we got them all. What about the car?
Me: You did get them all. You have always been very organized.
Dad: Thanks. But what about the electric?
Me: Dad, after our conversation yesterday, I checked with the bank. They gave me a statement to show the payments. Do you want to see it?
Dad: Yes, that would help.
Me: Here’s the statement Dad. (Handing him a paper that showed everything PAID. Note that this is a statement I created as I knew the actual bank statement would not clearly answer his question.)
Dad: Oh, this says everything is PAID.
Me: Yes, that’s good. Isn’t it?
Dad: That is good. 😊 Can I keep this paper?
Me: Of course. You’re in charge of the money.
Dad: Thanks. (He folds the paper and puts it in his pocket. Over the next few hours, he takes it out 4 times, unfolds it, reviews it, and smiles. He folds it, and pats his pocket as he puts it back.)

I learned along the way with Dad. He took care of money and bills and payments all his life. He felt that deep sense of responsibility until the day he died even though he did not actually handle the finances during his last two years.

I didn’t understand at first what to say. How could I?