Kelley Irwin

One day in November (2024), I found myself planning a funeral. I realized in the moment this experience was nothing like I had imagined.

Funeral planning is personal and there is no one right way to approach it. There are family traditions and expectations. There are wishes from the deceased and from the immediate family to consider. There is timing, travel, and weather to take into account. Some people like to have everything laid out in advance.

Funeral planning is personal and there is no one right way to approach it. There are family traditions and expectations. There are wishes from the deceased and from the immediate family to consider. There is timing, travel, and weather to take into account. Some people like to have everything laid out in advance.

It had been 24 months since we received a formal medical diagnosis of dementia. And yet this day still came as a surprise to me. Uninvited, unwelcome, and unkind.

I am a planner by nature. So was my dear Dad. Every day of his life. This was one event neither he, nor I, wanted planned before necessary.

So I found myself the night my Dad died talking about plans with my loving Mom. We went to bed at midnight with her wish for a celebration to be held in about 5 weeks. This would allow time to plan and people to travel. (Family in 3 countries and 9 states).

By 8:00 am, Mom had changed her mind. She wanted a formal funeral asap. We pivoted.

My brothers and I enveloped Mom for 36 hours. It’s unusual for us to have this family time without spouses and kids – and Dad. 💕 We enjoyed this bittersweet moment. Made plans, made decisions, and delegated work to the spouses and kids as they arrived. This ‘unplanned’ funeral turned out perfectly.

The funeral happened 48 hours later with family and friends and food. Dad would have given his nod to the service from the prayers to the music and all his kids playing a part. Mom was surrounded by people and blessings and love. That was Dad’s only wish.

At the last minute, I thought about clothes and realized I didn’t have anything appropriate with me and no desire to shop. I borrowed a sweater and shoes that didn’t fit. Mom whispered to me that Dad didn’t care what I was wearing. She made me laugh and cry… a little.

Dad…I’m happy we focused on our time together and not on funeral plans. This is what was right for you.